Self-Care vs. Self-Soothing: Meeting Your Real Needs
We’ve all been there. After a long, draining week, you collapse on the couch, put on your favourite show, and tell yourself you’re practicing "self-care." Or maybe you treat yourself to a new outfit, a big meal, or an extra glass of wine, believing you're taking care of your well-being. And while these things can certainly feel good in the moment, they often leave you right back where you started: exhausted.
That’s because the wellness world has blurred the lines between self-care and self-soothing. While both are crucial for your mental health, they serve completely different purposes. Understanding this distinction is the first step to building a routine that truly meets your needs.
What Is Self-Care?
Think of self-care as proactive maintenance. It’s the consistent, preventative work you do to keep your energy tank full, so you don't run on empty. This isn’t always the glamorous stuff you see on social media.
True self-care is about taking actions that support your long-term physical and mental health. It’s about building a sustainable life where you're less likely to burn out in the first place.
Examples of Self-Care:
Getting a consistent 7-8 hours of sleep each night.
Eating nourishing, regular meals.
Setting firm boundaries with your time and energy.
Engaging in an activity that fills you up, like a hobby or time in nature.
Regularly seeing a therapist or a doctor.
This kind of care might not always feel like a treat, but it's what gives you the resilience to face life's challenges.
What Is Self-Soothing?
Self-soothing, on the other hand, is a reactive response to distress. It's what you do in the moment to help you regulate difficult emotions like anger, overwhelm, sadness, or anxiety. It's a quick and powerful way to comfort yourself and put out a small fire when you're already feeling burned out.
This is the emotional first-aid kit for your mind.
Examples of Self-Soothing:
Having a warm cup of tea after a stressful conversation.
Taking a hot shower or bath to release tension.
Listening to a calming playlist or your favourite podcast.
Watching a comfort show you’ve seen a hundred times.
Getting a warm hug from a loved one.
These are things that help calm your nervous system in the moment. They're meant to get you through a tough patch, not to sustain you for weeks at a time.
The Car Analogy
An easy way to remember the difference is to think about your car.
Self-care is like getting your oil changed, keeping the tires inflated, and topping off your fluids. It's the regular maintenance that prevents a breakdown.
Self-soothing is like pulling over to the side of the road and turning on the hazard lights when the engine starts smoking. It’s an immediate, temporary action to prevent a total disaster.
You can't soothe your way out of a life that's burning you out. You have to commit to the regular maintenance – the self-care – that makes you more resilient to begin with.
How to Build a Balanced Routine
The key to meeting your real needs is to have a routine that includes both. Ask yourself this simple question: "Am I needing to fill my tank, or am I needing to put out a fire?"
Make proactive self-care a habit. Don't wait until you're exhausted to prioritise sleep or healthy food.
Build a self-soothing toolkit. Have a go-to list of things you can do in a moment of distress. This could be a favourite song, a five-minute meditation, or a warm blanket.
Both are valid and necessary. By understanding the difference and intentionally using each, you can move from just surviving to truly thriving.