Moving Beyond the Weight of ‘Should’
If we could see the "shoulds" we carry around every day as physical objects, most of us would be doubled over under the weight.
"I should be further along in my career by now."
"I should have been more productive today."
"I shouldn't feel this stressed over something so small."
"I should be a more patient parent/partner/friend."
The word "should" is one of the most heavy-duty words in our vocabulary. It isn't just a statement of a goal; it’s a subtle form of self-judgment. It implies that where we are right now isn't just "not ideal" - it’s wrong.
The Double Burden
When something difficult happens – a mistake at work, a conflict with a loved one, or just a day where you feel "off" - it creates an initial weight in your head. That first weight is the actual problem or emotion. It's uncomfortable, but it’s manageable.
The real exhaustion comes from the second weight we add: the judgment of the feeling.
When we tell ourselves we shouldn't feel sad, or we should be handling a situation better, we are effectively doubling our load. We are no longer just dealing with the original stress; we are now also dealing with the shame of having that stress in the first place. This second layer of judgment eats up our remaining mental bandwidth, leaving us with very little energy to actually solve the original problem or take care of ourselves.
Where "Should" Comes From
Most of our "shoulds" are inherited. They are the voices of old expectations, social media highlight reels, or the "ideal versions" of ourselves we think we need to be to be worthy of rest or respect.
We often use "should" as a way to motivate ourselves. We think that if we are hard enough on ourselves, we’ll eventually change. But judgment is actually a very poor motivator. It triggers our "threat" response, making us feel defensive and stuck. You cannot shame yourself into a version of yourself that you love.
Dropping the Weight
Moving beyond the weight of "should" doesn't mean you stop having goals or wanting to improve. It means changing the way you talk to yourself about the gap between where you are and where you want to be.
Here are a few ways to start shifting that internal dialogue:
1. Trade "Should" for "Could" (or "Want")
Listen to your internal monologue today. When you catch a "should," try to rephrase it.
Instead of: "I should go to the gym," try: "I could go to the gym, and it might make me feel more energised."
The first sounds like a chore you're already failing at; the second sounds like a choice you have the power to make.
2. Acknowledge the "First Weight" Only
When you’re having a hard day, try to isolate the actual problem from the judgment of it.
"I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now" is a true and valid statement.
"I'm feeling overwhelmed and I shouldn't be because other people have it worse" is an added weight. Give yourself permission to just feel the first thing without the commentary.
3. Check Your Inventory
Is the "should" you're carrying actually yours? Or is it something you've picked up from someone else's life? Sometimes we are holding ourselves to standards that don't even align with our own values. If a "should" doesn't serve your peace or your growth, you have permission to set it down.
Finding a Kinder Perspective
We are often far more compassionate toward our friends than we are toward ourselves. If a friend told you they were struggling, you likely wouldn't respond by telling them all the ways they "should" be better. You would offer them a seat and a listening ear.
Self-compassion isn't about letting yourself "off the hook." It’s about realising that you function better, think clearer, and have more bandwidth when you aren't under the constant pressure of self-criticism.
When the Weight Feels Too Heavy
Sometimes the "shoulds" are so deeply ingrained that we don't even realise we're carrying them anymore; we just feel the chronic exhaustion and the "never-enough" feeling that follows them.
If you’re finding it hard to quiet that inner critic, or if the weight of your expectations is making it difficult to enjoy your life, you don't have to carry it alone.