Is It Just Me? Identifying and Healing from Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that makes you question your own memory, perception, and sanity. If you often leave conversations feeling confused, guilty, and wondering, "Did that really happen, or am I crazy?" - you may be a target of gaslighting.
The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband slowly manipulates his wife into believing she is going insane.
This behaviour isn't always overt abuse; it can be subtle, creeping into your relationships over time until you no longer trust your own mind. Recognising the signs is the critical first step to stopping the confusion and restoring your sense of self.
The Core Goal of Gaslighting
The goal of the gaslighter is simple: to gain power by destabilising your reality. If you don't trust your memory or emotions, you become dependent on their version of events.
Common Gaslighting Phrases and Tactics
Gaslighting operates through consistent denial and dismissiveness. You might hear these phrases:
Denying Reality: "That never happened. You're making things up."
Dismissing Feelings: "You're too sensitive," or "You're overreacting."
Shifting Blame: "If you weren't so [emotional/insecure], I wouldn't have to lie."
Questioning Memory: "Your memory is terrible. I clearly told you that last week."
The Classic Flip: When confronted, they turn the tables: "I think you're the one who needs help. You're losing it."
Identifying the Impact on Your Mental Health
If you are being gaslighted, you won't just feel angry – you will feel fundamentally insecure. The effect on your mental health includes:
Chronic Self-Doubt: Constantly apologising and blaming yourself, even when you did nothing wrong.
Confusion and Anxiety: Feeling unable to make simple decisions because you can't trust your judgment.
Sense of Unreality: Feeling disconnected from your own life, emotions, or memories.
Isolation: The gaslighter often isolates you from others who might challenge their version of events.
4 Steps to Healing and Restoring Your Truth
The process of healing involves re-establishing the authority of your own experience.
1. Stop Arguing (Don't Engage the Trap)
The gaslighter wants you to argue details, which keeps you trapped in their game. When you hear a gaslighting phrase, end the debate.
Try This: Respond simply with a boundary statement: "I know what I saw/heard, and that is my reality," or "I am not going to discuss this when you are questioning my memory." Then, walk away. You don't need their agreement to validate your experience.
2. Document Your Reality (The Paper Trail)
The most powerful counter to gaslighting is physical evidence. Keep a record of interactions.
Try This: Immediately after a confusing conversation, write down the date, time, and exact dialogue in a private journal or a secure document. Read your notes back to yourself later. This external reference reinforces your memory when the gaslighter tries to distort it.
3. Reconnect with Your Trusted Network
Gaslighters thrive in isolation. Re-establish contact with people who knew you before the relationship became toxic.
Try This: Talk to a trusted friend or family member about a specific confusing event and ask, "Does this sound right to you?" A third-party perspective can immediately confirm your reality and remind you that your judgment is sound.
4. Rebuild Self-Trust
This is the heart of healing. Start small. Trust your instincts on minor decisions (e.g., what to eat, what route to drive). The more you trust yourself in small moments, the easier it becomes to trust yourself in big ones.
If you recognise these patterns, please know that you are not crazy, and you are not alone. Your feelings are valid, and your memory is likely correct.
The process of healing starts today by taking back your right to define your own reality.
If you are in a relationship where you are experiencing consistent emotional abuse or gaslighting, please seek professional support from a trauma-informed therapist or counsellor.