How to Navigate Toxic Positivity
"Just be positive!" "Good vibes only!" "Everything happens for a reason!"
While these phrases often come from a place of good intentions, they are the hallmarks of a growing problem in mental health: toxic positivity.
Toxic positivity is the excessive and ineffective overgeneralisation of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. It’s the idea that you should only feel and express positive emotions, regardless of how difficult or painful a situation is. In essence, it’s a form of emotional denial that can be just as harmful as being overly pessimistic.
While a positive outlook can be a valuable tool, toxic positivity is a rigid rule that tells us our real feelings are wrong. Here’s why it’s a problem and how you can navigate it for yourself and with others.
The Harmful Effects of Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity might sound harmless, but it can cause real damage to our emotional well-being:
It Invalidates Feelings: When you’re told to "just get over it" or "think happy thoughts" after a setback, it sends a message that your sadness, anger, or fear is unacceptable. This can make you feel unheard and alone.
It Creates Shame and Guilt: Feeling pressure to be happy all the time can lead to guilt when you're not. You might start to believe there is something wrong with you for having natural, human emotions.
It Blocks Emotional Growth: We learn valuable lessons from our difficult emotions. When we are forced to suppress feelings like grief or disappointment, we lose the opportunity to process them, grow from them, and build true resilience.
It Creates Disconnection: It’s hard to form deep, authentic connections with people if you feel you can’t be honest about what you’re going through. Toxic positivity often forces people to put on a mask, creating distance instead of closeness.
How to Navigate Toxic Positivity in Your Life
The key to dealing with toxic positivity is to replace judgment with validation—both for yourself and for others.
When You're on the Receiving End
You don't have to accept advice that dismisses your feelings.
Set a Gentle Boundary: You can politely push back by saying something like, "I know you mean well, but I just need to feel this right now." or "I appreciate you, but I don't need a solution right now, just a listening ear."
Educate (If Appropriate): If you feel comfortable, you can explain how a comment made you feel. For example, "When you said 'everything happens for a reason,' it made me feel like my sadness wasn't valid."
Walk Away if Needed: If someone is unwilling to listen or continues to push toxic advice, it's okay to protect your peace by ending the conversation.
When You Notice Yourself Doing It
We've all been guilty of this, often with good intentions. Try these simple phrases instead:
Replace "At least..." with "That sounds really hard." This shows empathy and acknowledges their pain without trying to minimise it.
Replace "Look on the bright side!" with "I'm here for you." This simple phrase offers support and connection without invalidating their current emotional state.
Replace "Don't be so negative" with "It makes sense that you're feeling that way." This is a powerful form of validation that tells them their feelings are understandable and accepted.
Embracing a Healthier Approach
True mental wellness isn't about being happy all the time; it's about being able to feel a full range of emotions and navigate them with grace and resilience. It's okay to be sad, angry, or disappointed. It's okay to have bad days.
By moving beyond the rigid rules of toxic positivity, you create a space for real healing, authentic connection, and a deeper understanding of yourself. So the next time you hear "good vibes only," remember that your true, messy, and complex emotions are a sign of being human, and they are always valid.